Can I Have My Friggin’ Ketchup Please?

What is it with Malaysians and chili sauce? So I was one of the select elite group of Malaysians who prefer ketchup (that’s tomato sauce for you bitches) rather than chili in my daily cuisine . By cuisine I mean crappy and lethal fast food we all love so much. Every single time I place a drive thru order, the hos at McDonald’s give me like a year’s supply of chili sauce. What is wrong with these people? Do I have to be white so I don’t have to ask? Read more

Way to Screw Up My Rhythm, Bitch

Don’t you just love Muscle Marys? They’re like half boiled eggs, hard on the outside, soft in the inside. Not that I have anything against these beautiful creatures. I was at the gym fitness center the other day, having my routine run when this muscle dude came and used the treadmill beside me. I don’t mind, we all pay the same fees anyways because we couldn’t afford our own private gym. That’s not the point. Suddenly, there was this awful stench. I can’t help but wonder (imagine me in that ponyface Carrie Bradshaw pose), is it coming from yours truly? Of course not, you all know for a fact I smell like roses in spring when I sweat, right? This one is worse than body odor! Okay maybe not but close enough. Read more

Do Not Want

Do not want people who dig and smell their own booger in public. Do not want people who reserve spots in queue for friends. Do not want people who take 10 sugar packets, use 2 and throw the rest. Do not want people who buy Apple products and think they’re cool. Do not want whiny schoolgirls. Do not want people who use “nia” and “ma” in every sentence. Do not want fat people who wear minimal clothing to go out. Do not want pathetic bloggers who plagiarize my shit. Read more

How to Become a Caucasian in 5 Easy Steps

Born genetically an Asian? Don’t be discouraged. There’s still hope of becoming America’s Next Top Model that gorgeous Hollywood stars you’ve seen so often on movies and television. There are actually many advantages of being a white person in Malaysia, you’ll get special attention when shopping and dining in restaurants, get recognized by local magazines as ‘hot’ if you’re a male, among others. Just follow these 5 simple steps and you’re on your way of becoming the next Anchelina Choli or Blad Pit! Read more

How to Annoy People Effortlessly

Hope everyone had a good break because mine was kinda sucky (don’t ask). Anyhoo, I was at the bank the other day and there was like two million people inside. That’s kinda forgivable since we were just out from a long(ish) public holiday. Amidst all types of people from every imaginable walk of life, all of sudden I smelled something funky. I knew this scent. Very well in fact. Hmm… Let’s see, it’s kinda pungent, very human-like, a bit tangy if you breathe it in with your normal breathing rate. HOLY SHIT it’s BODY ODOUR! Read more

Are You One of These Assholes?

Dearest readers,

It sucks that I can’t individually pick my readers, especially Malaysians. Having said that, what I can do is list down the types of people who are not allowed to comment on this fab blog, for the sake of my sanity (and others, too). If you’re one of these assholes, please keep your fug stubby fingers to yourself and save some energy from typing your idiotic comments. Read more

sHitz.fm Still the Shittiest Radio Station in Malaysia

Before Fly FM and Red104whatever existed, there was this cool new station called sHitz FM which played more current hits than that dreadful old people’s station Radio 4. From 2001 until today, they claimed that they’re still Malaysia’s no. 1 hit station. Well, probably most of their listeners are idiots and knowing that our country is full of them, their claim just might be true. Let me adjust that a bit. Malaysia’s no. 1 SHIT station, pwned by ASSTRO. Ah, much better. Now it all makes sense to me now! Read more

Malaysian Celebs Sex Scandals: Are We That Stupid?

Malaysian entertainment scene is so boring and pathetic until we create stupid rumors about our celebrities just for the heck of it. I don’t know what’s going in my head but suddenly I figured I want to write about ridiculous Malaysian celebrities rumors. Read more

Listening to These Popular Songs Doesn’t Make You Cool Part 1

These are some of the popular Malaysian favorite English songs since pretty much forever. Listening to any of these foul music does not make you cool. In fact, they’ll make you look like an idiot, which I guess is okay if you already are but pretty fucking annoying to other intelligent beings (like me). Read more

I Hate Children

I had a small company dinner recently with some boring colleagues, my angry boss and his plastic family, consisting of 2 fruity small kids. Somehow that (unpleasant) encounter reminded me of how much I fucking hate children. Read more

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