Craplicious

I Can Has A Datuk Title?

Craplicious — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 00:15:57 +0000

So, uber Bollywood star and world-renowned actor, singer, dancer, heart breaker, rubber tapper Shah Rukh Khan received the coveted “Datuk” status from someone in Malacca or something like that. And I thought Datukship is only meant for Malaysians. Heh. Honestly, I never understand what the title does but I guess it’s similar to the British “Duke” or “Lord” or something? I didn’t know what those do either. Anyignorance, here is my list of people that should receive the illusive title. Yeah, instead of bitching around about how ridiculous this is, why don’t we embrace the fact that pretty much everyone who’s anyone is eligible to be a Datuk nowadays, eh? (more…)

Maybank2u Fuckery

Craplicious — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 00:30:19 +0000

I’m pretty sure I’m not alone on this. Maybank2u.com, our local premiere online banking service also known as the Streamyx of banks has been through a redesign recently. What do we think of it? (more…)

Killer Char Kway Teow Recipe

Craplicious — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 10:05:15 +0000

So I have recently taken a huge interest in cooking. Shut up! I know what you’re thinking. Cooking is for pussies. Well, fuck you. We all have pussies like it or not, so embrace your inner vag or GTFO. Anyways, here is the recipe for the best Kway Teow in the universe. That’s fried flat rice noodles for the rest of you out there. You should try it because it’s the best. (more…)

If You Can Decode This..

Craplicious — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 14:34:13 +0000

Then chances are either A. you’re no better than Shanigua or B. you’re exactly the type of people she was looking for. It’s like the hooker’s version of the Da Vinci code! Sadly, I decoded this in less than 30 seconds. Shut up! (more…)

Can I Have My Friggin’ Ketchup Please?

Craplicious — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 19:16:36 +0000

What is it with Malaysians and chili sauce? So I was one of the select elite group of Malaysians who prefer ketchup (that’s tomato sauce for you bitches) rather than chili in my daily cuisine . By cuisine I mean crappy and lethal fast food we all love so much. Every single time I place a drive thru order, the hos at McDonald’s give me like a year’s supply of chili sauce. What is wrong with these people? Do I have to be white so I don’t have to ask? (more…)

Way to Screw Up My Rhythm, Bitch

Craplicious — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 10:57:43 +0000

Don’t you just love Muscle Marys? They’re like half boiled eggs, hard on the outside, soft in the inside. Not that I have anything against these beautiful creatures. I was at the ~~gym~~ fitness center the other day, having my routine run when this muscle dude came and used the treadmill beside me. I don’t mind, we all pay the same fees anyways because we couldn’t afford our own private gym. That’s not the point. Suddenly, there was this awful stench. I can’t help but wonder (imagine me in that ponyface Carrie Bradshaw pose), is it coming from yours truly? Of course not, you all know for a fact I smell like roses in spring when I sweat, right? This one is worse than body odor! Okay maybe not but close enough. (more…)

Next Step for IKEA Malaysia

Craplicious — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 12:20:34 +0000

Yay me for keeping up with this one post per month trend. Anyways, this particular post for the hot ass month of June is not so much of annoyance, more like a suggestion. Yes, don’t expect my bitterness swing into action in this one. As we all know, Malaysians worship Ikea, and would buy anything thrown in their way, no matter how shitty or useless. If I put an Ikea label on my cat’s poop and display it on one of their shelves, I guarantee you it’s the first damn thing people would put in their carts. (more…)

Do Not Want

Craplicious — Fri, 02 May 2008 16:27:56 +0000

Do not want people who dig and smell their own booger in public. Do not want people who reserve spots in queue for friends. Do not want people who take 10 sugar packets, use 2 and throw the rest. Do not want people who buy Apple products and think they’re cool. Do not want whiny schoolgirls. Do not want people who use “nia” and “ma” in every sentence. Do not want fat people who wear minimal clothing to go out. Do not want pathetic bloggers who plagiarize my shit. (more…)

Free Food For You (FFFU)

Craplicious — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 01:59:58 +0000

Attention cheapskates, freeloaders and hobos! In an effort to make Malaysians fatter and live shorter, McDonald’s Malaysia is giving away one of their crappiest item from their already craptastic breakfast menu, Sausage McMuffin. So be like a true Malaysian and grab this opportunity because we like free stuff even though this shit is lethal to the human body. For those of you who missed out the coupon giveaway, wipe that inverted arch off your ugly face because I have one right here just for you. (more…)

How to Become a Caucasian in 5 Easy Steps

Craplicious — Sun, 20 Apr 2008 07:14:30 +0000

Born genetically an Asian? Don’t be discouraged. There’s still hope of becoming ~~America’s Next Top Model~~ that gorgeous Hollywood stars you’ve seen so often on movies and television. There are actually many advantages of being a white person in Malaysia, you’ll get special attention when shopping and dining in restaurants, get recognized by local magazines as ‘hot’ if you’re a male, among others. Just follow these 5 simple steps and you’re on your way of becoming the next Anchelina Choli or Blad Pit! (more…)