Here are the fucking ingredients for two servings (or one if you’re a fatty):

• 1 packet of Kway Teow or flat rice noodles. DUH.
• 3 medium squid or calamari or sotong, cleaned and cut into strips. If you don’t know how to clean a squid then you’re a dummy.
• 1 medium onion, diced. If you don’t know how to dice an onion then you’re a mega dummy.
• 2 small cloves of garlic, crushed and minced.
• Half stalk of leeks cut finely. I know they taste like nothing but you have to include this shit or else.
• 2 centimeters of young ginger, finely chopped.
• 4 stalks of french bean because I happen to have them in the fridge. If you don’t, go to the corner and cry yourself to sleep.
• Sesame oil and vegetable oil as much as you like because we’re all gonna die eventually.
• 2 teaspoons of Thai red chili paste, the one with hot Thai tranny face on the bottle.
• Some concentrated chicken stock, light soy sauce and stinky fish sauce.
• Some spring onions.
• Salt and pepper to taste. Actually no, don’t follow your tastebud because it’s lame. Follow mine by not putting them at all because everything else is already friggin’ salty.

So now we can fucking start. In a hot, big, juicy wok, heat the sesame oil and vegetable oil so you can see some smoke coming up. Then bring your face closer to the hot oil and sprinkle some water in it. Okay just kidding, kinda.

Then, add onions, garlic and ginger to the hot oil. When the shit in the wok became translucent and you can smell them, add the squid, red chili paste, leeks and french beans. After approximately 30 seconds, add the concentrated chicken stock. Then stir like a pro. When all the ingredients look like they’re having a superfun orgy, add the Kway Teow. Mixed everything together and add the light soy and feet smelling fish sauce.

At this point, some people like to add bean sprouts or taugeh. I don’t because I think bean sprouts taste like crap. I don’t understand why people enjoy them and love to put tons of them in every fucking dish known to man. Anyhoo, after a while, add the spring onions and you’re done.

Nigella Lawson’s succulent titties approved.

Jamie Oliver’s teeth approved.

Even Gordon Ramsay’s kampung road face approved of this recipe!

Enjoy, motherfuckers!

To all Malaysian fast food chain managers and supervisors if you’re reading this (which I am confident some of you are), please instruct your minions to provide both options to customers because assuming them to like chili sauce is like the equivalent of being a racist.

Enough rant and let’s watch this exquisite video instead. I am so having my birthday at McDonald’s for many years to come.

All you have to do is find an offset printer, a matching type of paper and you don’t even have to spend a dime on food, at least until end of this month. I’m not sure you’ll be alive by then but free is free regardless!

Damn those wacky printers! I’m sure the actual copy reads:

Our Sausage McMuffin™ is so crappy, we want to share it with you because we want you to be morbidly obese and die fast. Here’s a FREE shitty Sausage McMuffin™, bitch.

Enjoy your mornings while they last.

The truth is, we totally have great produce and if only the local manufacturers spent a little bit more on the aesthetics front, I believe the rest of the world will have the impression that at least noone in Malaysia still live on trees, y’know? Gothamist

To make things simple with her, I just gave a fake laugh and rolled my eyes in super max power mode. I honestly like these type of program because at least they did something right with the idiot box rather than raking greedy money with stupid reality shows we love to hate.

Did you know why some of those underprivileged children are heavy and not exactly skinny from not eating like we imagined they would be? Come to think of it, this question is indeed mind boggling at first. Here is my rather brilliant theory.

Of course their family is poor but they still managed to feed their children to keep them, you know, alive and stuff. Since our main Asian staple food is rice, their parents could only afford to have the essentials and skimped on other diet. Besides, rice is fairly cheap considering the amount and price ratio, not to mention easily accessible. Rice, as we know equals carbohydrate. These kids did not eat a balance meal, so to get full they ate a lot of rice. And that’s why they got so fat.

Am I a genius or what?

p/s: To all of you celebrating Christmas today, happy holidays and have a fabulous new year. Don’t forget to think of those poor children while you’re stuffing yourself to oblivion!

No matter what you eat, it will turn to crap later anyways.

Of course you are what you eat and you better choose your food wisely, but it got me thinking for a second. From the perspective of “eat to live”, the person was totally right. But on the other hand, what you eat will reflect your lifestyle and the most important thing of all, help build your precious, irreplaceable body. So, even if your food will turn to crap later, at least your body will absorb wonderful stuff in the process. In other words, your food will determine what your crap will look like. Talk about plain salad vs. ultra spicy Indian curry. Okay I got to erase that image from my mind quickly, that’s just nasty. In conclusion, just eat healthy, don’t over react over your food, don’t eat fast food late at night and you’re good to go.