You see, designing a banking website as vast as this isn’t a matter of changing some colors and adding crap graphics, there’s a whole shitload of other things to be taken care of too. Unfortunately upgrading their server capacity isn’t one of their priorities. Honestly, I don’t blame these people. Maybank2u has been setting an example for other local banking websites such as this one which has the same shitty service, only with different color.

Now excuse me while I go teach my dad how to transfer money to a third party for the 60th time.

Anyways, being the ignorant twat that I am, I recently came across this interesting concept from Ikea called “BoKlok”, which sounded like something that came from your ass instead of what it should be (isn’t everything from Ikea like that?). BoKlok is a new concept of housing that involves providing space-saving, functional and high quality properties at a price that enables as many people as possible to afford a comfortable home. In other words, a big ass flat packed furniture you can live in. Yes, the Malaysian property scene is booming and as more shitty developers and contractors came into play, we need something like this. Best of all, Ikea get to choose their buyers based on a few criteria of which I’m sure one of them includes did you wear deodorant or not, so you won’t get shitty neighbours! How awesome is that?

Last year, they started accepting applications for their units in the UK. Why don’t Ikea take a step further and introduce this concept here in Malaysia? One baby step towards world domination! Let’s see, I think they could work out sub 200k price for small flat type homes in non-central location. By flat I don’t mean those filthy disgusting pigeon holes, shrinked terrace houses perhaps is the correct term here. Two bedrooms, one or two bath, good for new families and single executives. Best of all, we’ll get our own parking spot within few steps from the front door. OMG I sounded like Bethany my property agent. I should put on extra 30kg, wear anything but black and dye my hair the color of roadkill so I would look like her gorgeous self.

Anyways, do check out BoKlok website if you give a shit. Ikea for Prime Minister!

Artist’s impression of  Malaysia’s IKEA BoKlok concept home

All you have to do is find an offset printer, a matching type of paper and you don’t even have to spend a dime on food, at least until end of this month. I’m not sure you’ll be alive by then but free is free regardless!

Damn those wacky printers! I’m sure the actual copy reads:

Our Sausage McMuffin™ is so crappy, we want to share it with you because we want you to be morbidly obese and die fast. Here’s a FREE shitty Sausage McMuffin™, bitch.

Enjoy your mornings while they last.

Very clever, my subjects. In an ideal world, I would never want to be associated or contribute even a nanosecond of my precious time and my hard earned working class money to this greedy mofo of a corporation. However, let me take you on this real life scenario.

The Situation

Me without Astro. Only access to effortless* entertainment to keep me sane is through our lovely local TV stations.

Alrighty, I want to see some naked native people with crazy tits and crusty crotches on National Geographic. Wait a minute, isn’t that only available on Astro? Oh well, I’m feeling like a teenage schoolgirl who badly wanted to see some orgasmic Westlife music videos. Let’s watch MTV, girlfriends. Oops, only in Astro?

Never mind, my hungry self need to watch that giant tatas woman Nigella Lawson show (something about cooking I guess). Nope, not on our local stations. Only in Astrolicious. Screw that, there are some fabulous retro daytime movies on Cinemax I’d like to see (like Whatever Happened to Baby Jane OMG). Hey, isn’t Cinemax on Astro too?

Shit, I’m stuck!

The Alternative

Oh I know I know, we have an alternative to Astro. THANK GOD. This brave contender is called MiTV. Since all the major channels (and the only ones that matter) are taken, MiTV scrapes the leftovers which was basically nothing. Read my pixels. NOTHING.

Eh, wait a minute. Where’s MiTV? What? U Television? WTF? Oh kay…

We are Malaysia’s digital terrestrial multi-channel pay-TV operator with plans to launch our new services upon completion of the on-going re-engineering, relocation and migration of our core pay-TV platform using DVB-T technology and MPEG-4/H.264 digital video codec standard.

OMG I am totally salivating to subscribe just by looking at the design of your website. So classy right! Those codecs babble sounds interesting so fine, I’ll wait another million years for shitty leftover channels.

Conclusion

I never knew Astro was actually part of my basic human needs! Now I know how important it is to donate RM88.95 of our hard earned money to Astro every month for the rest of our lives in exchange for a crappy analogue signals, local brainless copycat production and shitty customer service.

Can’t you see?

THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD REVOLVES AROUND ASTRO. NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU COMPLAINT ASTRO WILL NEVER CHANGE BECAUSE THEY KNOW YOU HAVE NO CHOICE. KTHXBAI.

* Internet does not considered as effortless since you have to do the search, download, wait, watch and delete routine. No, dimwits YouTube is NOT TV.

Okay, the last one doesn’t belong to the group because it’s like the best MISEA product ever. And yes, I am too poor to afford good quality imported designer furniture so STFU.

A quick reference for non-Malaysians out there or those Malaysian idiots who are too embarrassed to admit they speak Bahasa Melayu.

Habuk: Dust
Goyang: Wobbly
Patah: Break
Bengkok: Bend
Bunyi: Noise