1. Wear ridiculously colored contact lenses

Dark brown eyes are SO not attractive, especially for an Asian. If you were to wear them, make sure they’re either blue, green or even gray because apparently all Caucasians has those eye colors. If people look terrified when they see your beautiful artificial eyes, don’t worry. They’re just crazy jealous because their natural pairs are friggin’ boring.

2. Dye your hair

Black hair screams Asian and you don’t want that. There’s nothing more attractive and natural than an Asian girl with a red / blond hair. Trust me, they WON’T make you look like an orang utan. Just because your face is similar, enhancing it with auburn hair doesn’t make you even close to one.

3. Try to speak English wherever and whenever

Don’t worry how broken your English are, because speaking in your native language is not cool okay? Even better, try to fake an accent, preferably American or British. They sound so nice and effortless on your Asian tongue. Remember, speak to everyone including that auntie who sells vegetables at your local pasar malam, because practice makes perfect.

4. Dress as little as possible

Oh yeah, people in the west always dress that minimal. No, you definitely don’t look like a Thai callgirl when you wear that 2 inch mini skirt and matching cleavage-revealing halter top, your boobies and vajayjay will appreciate the airiness they provide.

5. Get a Caucasian boyfriend

If all else fails, get a white boyfriend. Instead of behaving like regular couples, admire him everyday by saying he’s cute and be amazed at everything he does. Example: “OMG I never knew white people can do that!” or ask your friends constantly “My boyfriend handsome or not?” Your friends will totally appreciate that.

I really wanted to put some pictures as examples because I know how you people love visuals, but since there’s too many of them already, I don’t want to fuck up my server. What I can do however, is provide you a reference. Good luck, bitches!

Note: Again I don’t have to clarify that this is NOT a racial post, but since I’ll definitely gonna get dissed for this anyways, be aware that it’s for people (especially Asian girls) who think they look so good when trying too hard to copy their Hollywood idols. People should be happy the way they are and embrace what they’re born with.

There’s like different levels of body odour, and this one seems to be off the charts. Honestly, I can still tolerate if the smell is mild, as annoying as it can be but I never smell something this bad in my life since that 3 hours old Pizza Hut’s pan pizza (I don’t know what sort of crappy ingredients they put in to make the pizza smell that way, you should try it sometimes). I’m not going to even scout for the source of the funk, so my best bet was to move from the affective radius. 10 steps, still dizzy. Yeah, it was that strong. Since there was like 143 people in queue before me, I have no choice but to step out of the bank and leave. Mister BO: 1, me: 0.

I’m not going to start a gender war here but I think more than half of the people with strong body odour are men, while the female scent is like a bit more mild but so much funkier if you breathe it in for more than 1 minute. Either way, unless you have no sense of smell at all, they’ll make you feel nauseated and want to throw up after 3 minutes of obviously unfair battle.

So ladies and gentlemen, if your friends / spouses / lovers have this problem, please tell them straight to their face. I know it’s kinda taboo but it’s for the sake of humanity. If you didn’t, then trust me NOONE freakin’ will. Instead of giving them expensive chocolates, useless flowers or teddy bears, do them a huge favor by giving the gift of life, the fucking DEODORANT.

Make sure it’s antiperspirant though, I don’t know if that’s an actual medical term or just some marketing bullshit but it’s nice to know you’re not indirectly annoying people. I’m sounding a bit mumsy here but I don’t care because I like to do my physical bank transaction at peace (no, not every friggin’ thing can be done online unfortunately).

Stop the funk, guys!

I don’t wanna bitch and compare this pathetic show to America’s Next Top Model or anything similar just because it wasn’t as comparable, plus this show doesn’t even started yet. It is in audition stage and heavy promotion is in place to create the much needed hype. Instead, I’m going to pickup a few pointers that made this show uniquely Malaysian, even though this is another blatant copy of a well established reality television show out there. These are based on the information available on the official website of which address I’ll include later. Also in no particular order, because I’m too lazy to sort them out.

1. From the FAQ: What do I need to bring for the audition? Please bring your IC for verification and a RM10 registration fee.

Hahaha. Are you kidding me? RM10 registration fee? Wow, this is uniquely Malaysian entertainment, people! I don’t recall any reality television show that told those who come to the audition to bring some money, maybe those low quality home made porno production. Maybe this show is more suitable to be called “Malaysian Cheapskate Girl” right?

2. Sazzy Falak as host

Is there any other human being in Malaysia that can host besides Sazzy Falak? I can’t fucking stand her! She’s like the female equivalent of Jason Lo, obnoxious-wise of course. I don’t know why this petite female hobbit is even associated with the word model. Oh wait, I think I know. In Malaysia we don’t need height whatsoever to be a model, just a watchable okay-ish face and annoying personality like Miss Sazzy and you get to host a “model search” competition, even though you’re like 3 feet or something. Sassy!

3. Hey, it’s Malaysian Next Top Model Dreamgirl

Hmm… Why change the title? According to the pretentious interview on the homepage of which I’ve just wasted 8 minutes of my life, they’re not just looking for a model, but someone who can host, act, sing, dance, cook, make tea, do backflip, breakdance, hack, repair cars, massage, blowjob, etc. In other words everyone’s dreamgirl. Ah, if only life was that simple. I want a dreamgirl on my own too please! Wait a minute, I think we already have our dreamgirls since the host and the judge did confess in the clip they wanted to find someone like them. In other words, bitchy, arrogant, pretentious and syok sendiri (full of themselves). Heh.

4. We finally have a Malaysian voyeur show!

I still don’t understand why they named it Malaysian Dreamgirl though, it should be “Malaysian Next Internet Voyeur Star” or something. While we are forbidden to see our males taking off their shirts on live television, we are definitely allowed to see a bunch of unattractive wannabe females with little to no clothes on eat, sleep, bathe and possibly have sex with each other on screen, twice a week! Sometimes the entertainment policy in this country boggles me. A lot.

5. Pointless prizes and a career as a “Dreamgirl”

Being a Malaysian “Dreamgirl”, you will drive away with a Nissan Latio 1.8Ti, a RM10,000 AmBank NexG prepaid MasterCard, a RM3,000 Wella Professionals hamper, a RM1,000 Escada hamper, an exclusive cover spread in NewMan magazine and an experience of a lifetime. That’s about it. What experience of a lifetime? What is the point of this show again? You get to spread your legs on a lame Malaysian GQ wannabe NewMan magazine and that’s it? Okay, perhaps the winner will get a wider exposure of being an internet star of which have the chance to expand her career onto international websites like BangBus, Amateur on Cam or something. Watchout Babyrina!

6. Vote your favorite bitch by SMS

Hahaha. I’m sorry this is too funny. It can’t be anymore whorish than this! While the hopefuls have to bring RM10 to the audition, this is truly a disgusting way to rake in money in choosing the winner.

7. Lame ass judges

Okay, I kinda get Elaine Daly as a judge even though I consider her full of her own smelly shit and she’s not really that recognizable to the larger Malaysian audience. Just a has-been Malaysian beauty queen title (that was no contest since Malay girls are not allowed to enter), a couple of lousy modeling, hosting jobs and few pathetic roles in some idiotic Malaysian movies that don’t even made it to the cinemas. Next in the lineup is someone called Lim Jimmy (what a name), a hairdresser to the stars (that is if you consider Elaine Daly a star) but I still can swallow you as a judge, even though barely but whatever. The final judge though, is your beloved ‘cool’ internet celebrity Kenny Sia. WHAT THE FUCK. Kenny Sia? That Malaysian obnoxious pervy blogger? OMG I am totally right. This is a MALAYSIAN NEXT INTERNET VOYEUR STAR! I guarantee you that with each episode, we get to see Kenny in a small web cam window pleasing himself while watching these wannabe girls doing their thing. Good job on targeting the Malaysian perverts, you guys!

I totally understand that by writing this I’m indirectly going to promote the show even more but whatever. Once in a while, it’s nice to see some pathetic attempts by people from the ‘cool’ dipshits circle who are full of their themselves trying to squeeze every single penny left from the Malaysian population via text messaging.

Oh and by the way, here is the official website for Malaysia’s Next Internet Voyeur Star Search 2008. Lube up girls!

She was just entering the loo which was quite packed that time when she overheard (not eavesdropping, the voice was actually mild shouting) that a lady next to her said to her friend (presumably outside at the wash basins),

“Aileen wait for me ah, I want to shit!”

My friend panicked and hurried herself out of the toilet ASAP. What the fuck happened to Malaysian women? Is there an ounce of femininity left? Okay, I know not ALL women in Malaysia are like Aileen’s pooping friend but WTF???

Is this blue reflects how much testosterone you have? And I thought black is much more masculine than blue but boy, I was wrong. Maybe it’s so prominent in our (human) culture that parents bought blue colored things for their baby boy and pink for girls. What if one day I have decided to reverse the order or perhaps pick another contrasting hues to match my children, let’s say orange for boys and green for girls. That would be awesome, right? Okay perhaps if I live on another planet. So for now, we’ll have to stick with this color codes until God knows when.

Crap, I’m late for my shrink appointment.