You see, designing a banking website as vast as this isn’t a matter of changing some colors and adding crap graphics, there’s a whole shitload of other things to be taken care of too. Unfortunately upgrading their server capacity isn’t one of their priorities. Honestly, I don’t blame these people. Maybank2u has been setting an example for other local banking websites such as this one which has the same shitty service, only with different color.

Now excuse me while I go teach my dad how to transfer money to a third party for the 60th time.

Goodness, do you have to wear 13 liters of perfume when you exercise? I don’t know, maybe it’s like the ethical code of MMAM (Muscle Marys Association of Malaysia) or something, killing two birds with one stone. By birds I mean other patrons. Even females don’t wear that much perfume to cover their girly aromas. I tried my best to concentrate by thinking happy thoughts like the time when I won a Pulitzer Prize for Craplicious.com in my dreams but the smell was too overwhelming I had to stop. Thanks for fucking up my morning run, bitch. Didn’t you hear about this thing called odorless deodorant?

WANT you to add your own do not want here.

There’s like different levels of body odour, and this one seems to be off the charts. Honestly, I can still tolerate if the smell is mild, as annoying as it can be but I never smell something this bad in my life since that 3 hours old Pizza Hut’s pan pizza (I don’t know what sort of crappy ingredients they put in to make the pizza smell that way, you should try it sometimes). I’m not going to even scout for the source of the funk, so my best bet was to move from the affective radius. 10 steps, still dizzy. Yeah, it was that strong. Since there was like 143 people in queue before me, I have no choice but to step out of the bank and leave. Mister BO: 1, me: 0.

I’m not going to start a gender war here but I think more than half of the people with strong body odour are men, while the female scent is like a bit more mild but so much funkier if you breathe it in for more than 1 minute. Either way, unless you have no sense of smell at all, they’ll make you feel nauseated and want to throw up after 3 minutes of obviously unfair battle.

So ladies and gentlemen, if your friends / spouses / lovers have this problem, please tell them straight to their face. I know it’s kinda taboo but it’s for the sake of humanity. If you didn’t, then trust me NOONE freakin’ will. Instead of giving them expensive chocolates, useless flowers or teddy bears, do them a huge favor by giving the gift of life, the fucking DEODORANT.

Make sure it’s antiperspirant though, I don’t know if that’s an actual medical term or just some marketing bullshit but it’s nice to know you’re not indirectly annoying people. I’m sounding a bit mumsy here but I don’t care because I like to do my physical bank transaction at peace (no, not every friggin’ thing can be done online unfortunately).

Stop the funk, guys!

It sucks that I can’t individually pick my readers, especially Malaysians. Having said that, what I can do is list down the types of people who are not allowed to comment on this fab blog, for the sake of my sanity (and others, too). If you’re one of these assholes, please keep your fug stubby fingers to yourself and save some energy from typing your idiotic comments.

1. Raging schoolgirls

Actually, these girls are kinda awesome because they dump tons of comments especially on their pop idols, which provides lots of hits. However, this place is strictly for intelligent readers only so go defend your future bedroom poster ‘husbands’ somewhere else. Wait, what? You’re an intelligent schoolgirl? Are you kidding? When it comes to boys, you girls use your vag instead of God given brain to think. It’s called horny, darling. Go get a vibrator or something.

2. Homophobes

Dude, this is like two thousand fucking eight already. Homophobes are so like last century. The gays (generally) smell, work, talk, clean and dress better than you do so if you feel making gay bashing comments are funny, they’re so not. Instead, they make you look like a disgusting old fart who still lives in the 70s.

3. Know-it-alls

Of these 3 people, this type is the most annoying. These dipshits just don’t know when to differentiate between jokes and facts. They have like below zero sense of humor. Do you have to counter attack every crap I posted here just because you think you’re good enough? We get it. You’re an ace at everything in the known universe. You can smell shit from 10 miles away, probably because you literally have a lot of them sticking behind you all the time. We don’t need your explanation because we know you’re like the fucking human Wikipedia. Why waste your precious knowledge on this shabby site when you should go cure cancer or something, right?

Conclusion

Other than mentioned idiots, you guys more than welcome to leave your thoughts here no matter who you are. I am in no position to discriminate. Haters can STFU and GTFO because I’m too old for your shit. Go post your ‘brilliant’ comments somewhere else, for example your cornhole. Peace out.

XOXO
Sir Crap-a-lot

I personally don’t listen to Malaysian radio that much, or any kind of radio for that matter so my brilliant opinion here might be biased as opposed to those who listen to this fucking station every single day especially during their commute time. Here’s why sHitz.fm hands down wins the shittiest radio station in Malaysia, according to a genius called me.

1. Record breaking song repetition in a day

Compared to other crappy Malaysian English stations, sHitz.fm are notorious for playing the same fucking songs over and over and over and over again. Their market is so freaking saturated that most of their idiotic listeners (apparently most of the goddamn Malaysian English speaking population) think it’s cool to tune in to sHitz.fm as some sort of coolness safe net. You don’t want to be caught with Radio Satu on your car stereo when someone entered your car right? What do you do? Tune in to 92 point fucking 9! People will instantly think, oh he’s so cool because he listens to sHitz.fm! Fuck y’all.

2. Association with Vandal

Who is this guy again? One day I accidentally tuned in to sHitz and this dude was giving a fucking public service announcement about not to vandalize public property to Malaysians. Great. All we need is a failed Canadian rapper who can’t even make it in own country then came to Malaysia and gives us good advice about vandalism, being his name is Vandal. The irony within the irony in that sentence is beyond ridiculous. And apparently, us Malaysians, who think everything coming out from Mat Salehs are cool, treated him like a fucking superstar. No wonder his shitty song Kay-El (oops I puked in my mouth a bit typing that) is a big hit among the locals, because there’s noone better to sing a song about Kuala Lumpur than a Mat Saleh right? I guess we feel more worthy of a human being?

3. Jason Lo

I’m sorry but I just fucking cannot stand this guy at all. The moment he opens his mouth I feel like instantly hanging myself. I think the only funny trick he got in his sleeves is making lame Malaysian accents. Okay, we get it, you’re half caucasian so that means you can make a total mockery of average Malaysians of whom are below you while the rest of us still find it funny as hell! I’m laughing so hard I’m gonna puke blood. Not enough with voicing over shitty PSAs and numerous ads on sHitz.fm, he did have his own talk show called Latte@8 a while ago, which is about half an hour full of nothing but Malaysian accent jokes and boring crowd who think that hanging out with Jason Lo is cool. Genius.

4. Lame ass ‘Gotcha’ calls

Gotcha calls when first introduced in the Morning Crew might be a good idea but after a while, it gets stale fast like your neighborhood Mamak’s curry. They’re just so fucking caught up with their own jokes sometimes, it’s pathetic. I don’t know why people still listen to this crap and best of all, the one who being pranked always kinda guessed who’s on the other line within few seconds. Who else speak good English with accents other than sHitz.fm people because apparently, the rest of us speak like Jason Lo’s ‘funny’ Malaysian accent all the time! That’s so duh right? So I hereby crowned Rudy & JJ of sHitz.fm morning crew, Jason Lo’s wannabe, and that’s a pretty disgusting title to have.

5. Stupid CSAs and Festive Reminders

I am so pissed hearing sHitz.fm pointless PSAs, CSAs and other seasonal bullshit since last year that I totally forgot how shitty they were . If memory served me right, the most ridiculously stupid seasonal reminders aired during Merdeka period. Jason as usual with his lame Malaysian accent jokes. Brilliant right? We all need to hear that from time to time, it’s like we’re nothing without someone make a mockery of the way Malaysians talk. It’s like the French making fun of their own accent! Uniquely Malaysia, I tell you. Unfortunately, I cannot elaborate more here because one, like I mentioned I forgot how pathetic it sounded like and two, I don’t listen to sHitz.fm anymore. Anyone with a transcript will be much appreciated.

There you go, folks. There might be a gazillion more reasons but this pretty much what I can come up with right now. Malaysians will still continue to listen to the shittiest radio station in Malaysia because apparently everyone think it’s kinda cool to do so. And no, listening to Fly FM, doesn’t make you any better because they’re just as shitty, only less stink.

1. Akon – Lonely

For some reasons, I don’t think ANY of the Akon songs is cool. Not even a bit. Well not really due to the fact that he loves to dry hump underage girls but perhaps listening to someone who looks like an average African student / imported footballer around my neighborhood doesn’t seem all that tempting. And the arrangement was encrusted of way too much rotten cheese, with all that cartoon voices and shit. However, I cannot deny that this is a crowd favorite and in fact the best selling ring tone of all time not only in the US but also in Malaysian pasar malams (night markets for the rest of you). This song, or any other Akon songs for that matter should be dropped like flies by Malaysian radios. I’m fucking sick of them already. It’s kinda like the ‘My Heart Will Go On’ of the new millennium.

2. Teriyaki Boyz – Tokyo Drift (Fast & Furious)

Malaysians love tacky and this song is like the king of tacky. This is one of, if not THE official song for all the Mat Rempits everywhere in Malaysia. If you knew at least 3 of your full blown rempit or perhaps semi rempit friends, chances are one of them has this as a ring tone and the other has an (illegal) MP3 inside his hand phone. Oh please, one more listen to this song anywhere I swear I’m going to vomit blood. It sucks so bad that I have to perform a massive eye rolling and possibly 10 times more annoying than that short lived Crazy Frog (which is A WHOLE FUCKING LOT).

3. LeAnn Rimes – Can’t Fight The Moonlight

Dear radio, hypermarket and supermarket deejays everywhere, why the fuck you want to play this song ever again? Does anyone listen to LeeAnn Rimes anymore? Why this song is still Malaysian Idol / Akademi Fucktasia / One in A Million audition favorites still boggles me to this day. Sure when Coyote Ugly came out this seems like THE song to air on radio but it’s freaking EIGHT YEARS already. Move on, retards! I can’t go anywhere that play songs without hearing this fucking moonlight bullshit. Sure you cannot fight the moonlight because why the hell you want to fight it in the first place? Which proves another point that people who love this songs are simply morons.

4. 50 Cent – In Da Club

In Da Club might have sounded catchy after a listen or two, but when you hear them for 5 fucking years everywhere you go including at least once a day radio play, this songs literally will kill you inside, slowly. Sadly, this is still being overplayed in shitty Malaysian radio stations, especially that good for nothing sHitz.fm.

These are all of the crappiness I can think of right now. If you have more annoying tunes you’d like to share, list it here for more dissing in part 2.

I was driving around the other day and I saw 2 stupid cheap cars have state crests on their number plates, namely one Kancil and the other an old Proton Satria. Judging from the person inside, I’m sure he’s nowhere near VIP status or members of the royal family. Who the hell do they think they are? Isn’t that illegal or something? Can someone enlighten me why these idiots exist?

One more big problem I have with drivers here is guys who put gazillions of ginormous ‘racing’ stickers on their (mostly cheap) cars. Hey, I have nothing against cheap cars but why the fuck you want to slap ugly stickers on it? To be unique? To look cool? To look like you’re driving an Formula One car? To be proud that you’re ’sponsored’ by Shell? It seems that we are in fact truly superior when it comes to being super tacky compared to rest of the world.

At least around here people are crazier (or more uncivilized perhaps), maybe there are more tolerant audience in the East Coast but I have been to most cinemas around Klang Valley and trust me, you’ll encounter at least 5 of these assholes in a 10 foot radius from your seat. Every single time.

For your convenience, here are a list of annoying Malaysian cinema assholes, as categorized by yours truly, including possible solutions and proper punishments. Why Malaysian you ask? Because I believe there are a few special types that we can only find in our dear country, nowhere else in the world. In other words, uniquely Malaysia! This list is quite a long read but who cares anyway.

1. The Plastic Idiots

Let’s see, they don’t really talk that much but they bring all kinds of plastic bags into the theater. Not only limited to your conventional everyday plastic bags, they also come in a form of other packaging like Twisties. This is especially annoying because everytime they eat, they will make a sound. And if that’s not enough, the kind of disgusting food (like those foul smelling bread) they bring really add a fucking nice aroma to the cinema as well.

• Solution: When watching a movie with this guys, try to imagine that the sweet sound of crumpling plastic bags are actually a part of the movie’s sound effects. You can’t really do anything about this one except walk out as they will continue to make that sound as long as they are eating and in the possession of the fucking plastic bags.
• Punishment: Have the plastic wrapped around their breathing holes and suffocate til KO.

2. The Dragon Breath

I don’t know why these people either haven’t discovered the wonderful invention called TicTacs / Clorets, have a serious case of Gingivitis or just plain lazy to brush their teeth that day. Based on my own crappy statistics machine, the odds of sitting beside a person with a dragon breath are quite high, I would say 63% while the odds of sitting beside a person with a dragon breath AND a talker are about 34%. Still high in my book.

• Solution: Try to show them their breath stink by covering your nose with your fingers all the time or better yet your jacket or whatever type of clothing you have. This will at least keep their mouth shut.
• Punishment: Spank and sent to the dentist

3. The Over Dramatic Bitches

This one is totally annoying. I’ll say bitches because sadly most of these types are female. When something moderately funny happened during the movie that only requires a chuckle max, they will laugh their ass off like it’s the funniest thing in the world for at least a minute and a half. This followed by a comment that can be heard throughout the theater. Likewise, when something scary or surprising happened, they will scream like they’re on a fucking roller coaster or something and of course comments will follow promptly.

• Solution: If you have balls, just give a really loud “Shhh…” so that they know how annoying they are or just turn your head towards them and give your best disgusted face.
• Punishment: Pushed from a tall building, preferably Petronas Twin Towers so they could die a dramatic death.

4. The Handphone Moron

Some people just cannot live with a handphone for 2 fucking hours. Unless someone died or in a deathbed saying his or her last words to you, talking or texting on the phone are like the ABC of cinema etiquette. Unfortunately, no matter how many times they’ve been told not to, these uncivilized morons don’t care what other people think.

• Solution: Sadly, there are no solution to texting morons but for talking bastards, you can refer to solution for over dramatic bitches.
• Punishment: Shot and fed to the dogs

5. The Retard Kicker

While the average height of a Malaysian male is about 5′8″ (again, crappy statistics machine), their legs grew longer when these people entered the cinema. Definitely basic etiquette, but I guess when your girl giving you a BJ in the dark, a guy can get really excited.

• Solution: Avoid seating in front of the couple seat / makeout rows, usually the last 2 lines at the back. If you have no choice, refer to solution no. 3.
• Punishment: Hang for the birds’ picking

6. The Stink Bomber

No, I’m not referring to people who fart during the movies as those cases are quite rare. If you do encounter them, sucks to be you I guess. Stink bomber is someone who constantly irritates people who is around 4 feet radius (depends on how strong the scent) with his or her BO / skid marks / naturally stinky body.

• Solution: There are no concrete solution to this. Even if you use technique for Dragon Breath, there’s nothing a stink bomber can do to help to ease your pain unless he/she carries a deodorant (which is like impossible) or simply walk out of the cinema (smelly people are not the most polite). Just deal with it.
• Punishment: Smelly people with BO should be placed in a remote island somewhere and let them sniff each other.

7. The Dickhead Mastermind

This type is quite rare but it’s actually fun when you’re watching a crappy movie that doesn’t need that much concentration. This person can predict what will happen next because he/she saw the film before or possibly has the super strong psychic power and must share it with everyone in the theater in the loudest voice possible. We do have superheroes in Malaysia after all (well, besides Kluangman and Cicakman of course).

• Solution: Since the annoyance occurs at certain points of the movie, kindly refer to solution no. 3.
• Punishment: Placed in the same island as the stink bombers.

8. The Stupid Parent

Okay as much as I hate children, someday we’ll all have crappy kids but what I don’t get are parents who bring their kids, even babies to a horror / gory movie at night. WTF? You may think this will highly unlikely to happen but again, this list is based on a true story so don’t complain, dimwits. I don’t mind if the children are quite but usually they’re not. If they didn’t cry or running around, they will ask a thousand of movie related questions to their parents. No wonder there’s so many cases of missing child in this country, right? These people can’t even think properly!

• Solution: None on our part. The greedy fuckers should ban children under 6 year old to enter the cinema after 8pm.
• Punishment: Am I allowed to express my hatred for kids? I’ll keep this for myself, just because.

9. The Idiot Muncher

Didn’t your mother teach you to chew food with your mouth closed, assholes? If I were everyone’s mom (OMG fuck the mental image in my head), I would teach all my kids to NEVER EAT in the cinema at all. But considering the annoyance radius to be less than 2 feet, I decided not to elaborate further on this one since this list is fucking long already.

• Solution: No. 3 is the best way to go even though there’s like zero chance of them to stop eating.
• Punishment: Jailed and let them starved to death.

10. The Dimwit Nessy

This type will only assault your visual senses, which I guess the most important part when watching a movie (duh). Considering the average height of Malaysians, it’s nearly impossible for you to block the view of person behind you unless you have a stick in your ass. Can’t these assholes sit properly?

• Solution: Balls play an important part here. Have the guts to tell them they’re blocking your view.
• Punishment: If above solution fails, slice their annoying nessy-like necks preferably with a samurai sword for maximum efficiency.

Oh how I wish I can draw to illustrate these, that would be so much fun right? Maybe some of these assholes evolved from the poor Malaysian cinema environment and how the local greedy tycoons handle their customers, but again you can’t really teach an idiot how to not be an idiot right?

p/s: I will take a break until next year but that doesn’t mean you can leave. You’re doomed to read this blog forever!

I was minding my own business, taking a break from shopping groceries at a food court in this mall (no, I’m not that old, just for a drink, fools) then I heard this disgusting sound. It’s so freaking annoying that I was able to recognize where it came from two second before I heard it.

Whoever invented squeaky shoes for toddlers is a moron. A millionaire maybe but still a moron. It’s like unleashing a very disgusting salivating monster into this world that lives pretty much forever. How could people stand those squeaky hellshoes? They’re not even remotely cute let alone tolerable. If you have children in the annoying age group (1 to 4 year old), I beg you please don’t buy those fucking shoes for them. Just buy anything that does not produce ear piercing sound, or any sound for that matter. If you have those shoes already, it’s never too late burn them or send them to another planet to annoy other life forms or something.

It’s nearly as annoying as those roller skate shoes or whatever fucking name they called them. I swear the next time I saw a kid with those shoes I’m doing to take them off and smack them on his or her head at least three times or until they realized running around while annoying people is NOT fun. So to all of you wannabe parents out there, please don’t teach your children to be annoying assholes by buying them squeaky shoes. They’re tacky and symbolize everything negative about you and how you raise your kids!