1. Amber Chia

This bitch is working her fug off every hour of the day! You can’t go anywhere in Malaysia without seeing her skinny ass plastered all over. Of all people she should get a Datuk title!

2. Mawi

This one is self explanatory. Wait, he’s not a Datuk yet? If not, I’m sure they’re working on giving Mawi the highest order of the state or something.

3. Salman Khan, Kajol and the rest of the Bollywood hos

Also self explanatory. I’m sure each of them has filmed a “mega blockbuster” movie in Malaysia, so that definitely counts as promoting Malaysia to the world and stuff.

4. Anita Sarawak

Anita is an ex Vegas showgirl that no single Malaysian can relate to. That’s okay because everyone loves her naturally voluptuous lips, perfectly firm skin, clorox hair and gorgeous blue eyes regardless. I don’t know why but they just do.

Give these people what they deserve already!

“Jangan Ketawa” existed at the time when original Malaysian made programs roamed our heavy SINGER television sets (think “Siapa Bunuh Alice”). Iconic comedic characters of the late 80s like “Mr. OS” was slowly losing its magic towards the end of the decade and the next generation of unknown comedians emerged in a form of a sketch show. According to its Wikipedia page which has basically nothing, “Jangan Ketawa” was first broadcast on TV3 in 1991. Of course I was a shy, chuckling primary schoolgirl who loves nothing but to watch Maero Attack and Thundercats reruns on TV2 back then but this show has changed my perspective of previously bland local TV production.

To prevent from babbling excessively about how this sketch show rocked my socks, I’ll put this in point form so that it’s easy for you kiddies to understand.

The title

I don’t know about you guys but I think the title is pure genius at that time, at least. Simple yet meaningful. “Jangan Ketawa” simply means, “Don’t Laugh”. You guys deserve the Pulitzer Prize or something for best Malaysian TV show title that actually used Malay words, ever.

(The late) Moon & Dee

Personally, for me they were the funniest duo on Malaysian television (still unbeatable to this day). It’s sad that their harmless appearance in the show have sparked some controversy among stupid homophobic Malaysians who can’t tell a difference between personal choice and pure entertainment value. It was also very ironic how they threatened to ban the show (or was it really banned I’m not so sure), while in recent years pathetic “straight” actors in drag dropped like rabbit poop in Malaysian films and television and guessed what, they’re perfectly acceptable. Sad.

No matter how hard they act their asses off, those loser actors will never match Moon and Dee’s cleverness in making people laugh in a good way. Of course, the amazing duo’s jokes would have been very dated if used today but compared to current stupid “versatile” actors, they’ll definitely beat them flat out.

The colourful cast

Before the comedy scene is swarmed by unfunny half white people and Douglas Lim who think that they’re so hilarious and laugh at their own jokes, the cast of “Jangan Ketawa” is a mix of true Malaysian races and I found each and everyone of them was actually funny in their own way (not as super as Moon & Dee though). Lovable? Hell yeah!

Kampung skits

I believe the term “Rempit” didn’t exist in the early 90s and everything in kampung (Malaysian village) back then was truly how it should be, peaceful and serene. I’m not sure what our fallen youth that time was doing, probably drugs because being a “mat motor” was not that cool but at least from the outside, there were no obvious portrayal of moral decay. Put Moon & Dee in their getup, the kampung scene plus a killer storyline and you got a marriage of pure Malaysian comedic genius. Now our kampungs are swarmed with nothing but noisy Rempits and Akademi Fucktasia fanatics.

Well, not only rural scenes, “Jangan Ketawa” also had successfully (and cleverly) transformed everyday task like walking into your parked car into what I called “clever jokes”. Not everyone can be that funny and trust me, it’s not that easy to make someone laughed his ass off to tears.

Post Jangan Ketawa

The show were directed by Louisa Chong and has-been funny, thinner Harith Iskandar. I’m sorry but he was never that funny to me even in Jangan Ketawa, maybe Harith’s biggest stint is directing and he should stick to that and only that. His talk show on NTV7 “Thursday Nite Live” was so lame and pretentious it’s just painful to watch even one minute of it. I guess that is what happened when you tried so hard to follow those American late night talk shows. You just plain suck, plus all your full of shit half white guests too.

What could have been

The only remedy for Jangan Ketawa for me is my favorite British sketch, “Little Britain”. Every skits in Britain was acted out by comedic geniuses Matt Lucas and David Walliams, which I think a match for our own Moon & Dee. Hell, they should get their own show if not for the ridiculous homophobic slur. To think that our version aired more than 10 years before them, we can see how interesting Malaysian ideas can develop if we just keep our minds off copying other people and succumb to a disgusting phenomenon called SMS.

So to all ex Jangan Ketawa cast and production members, I friggin’ congratulate you guys for producing at least for me, one of the most original and entertaining show in Malaysian television history. Yes, the show will never be that successful today because Malaysian audience are so used to lame unfunny slapstick, racist, “loyar buruk”, sex driven and homophobic jokes that even an ounce of cleverness will damage their already fucked up sense of humor.

So if you like Jangan Ketawa, let me know how much your love extends for the show, okay?

p.s: Did you guys notice I only sweared like, once? Yeah, I love this show that much.

p.p.s: If you have no idea what Jangan Ketawa is, then you are definitely too young to read this so GTFO and continue spending your lunch money voting your favorite Akademi Fucktasia contestant.

p.p.p.s: I have nothing again half white Malaysians. Just that particular “comedians” circle (if they can be called one). Please, they’re far from being funny by like a universe away and they should stick to do what they’re best at, i.e model their asses off and shut the hell up.

Very clever, my subjects. In an ideal world, I would never want to be associated or contribute even a nanosecond of my precious time and my hard earned working class money to this greedy mofo of a corporation. However, let me take you on this real life scenario.

The Situation

Me without Astro. Only access to effortless* entertainment to keep me sane is through our lovely local TV stations.

Alrighty, I want to see some naked native people with crazy tits and crusty crotches on National Geographic. Wait a minute, isn’t that only available on Astro? Oh well, I’m feeling like a teenage schoolgirl who badly wanted to see some orgasmic Westlife music videos. Let’s watch MTV, girlfriends. Oops, only in Astro?

Never mind, my hungry self need to watch that giant tatas woman Nigella Lawson show (something about cooking I guess). Nope, not on our local stations. Only in Astrolicious. Screw that, there are some fabulous retro daytime movies on Cinemax I’d like to see (like Whatever Happened to Baby Jane OMG). Hey, isn’t Cinemax on Astro too?

Shit, I’m stuck!

The Alternative

Oh I know I know, we have an alternative to Astro. THANK GOD. This brave contender is called MiTV. Since all the major channels (and the only ones that matter) are taken, MiTV scrapes the leftovers which was basically nothing. Read my pixels. NOTHING.

Eh, wait a minute. Where’s MiTV? What? U Television? WTF? Oh kay…

We are Malaysia’s digital terrestrial multi-channel pay-TV operator with plans to launch our new services upon completion of the on-going re-engineering, relocation and migration of our core pay-TV platform using DVB-T technology and MPEG-4/H.264 digital video codec standard.

OMG I am totally salivating to subscribe just by looking at the design of your website. So classy right! Those codecs babble sounds interesting so fine, I’ll wait another million years for shitty leftover channels.

Conclusion

I never knew Astro was actually part of my basic human needs! Now I know how important it is to donate RM88.95 of our hard earned money to Astro every month for the rest of our lives in exchange for a crappy analogue signals, local brainless copycat production and shitty customer service.

Can’t you see?

THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD REVOLVES AROUND ASTRO. NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU COMPLAINT ASTRO WILL NEVER CHANGE BECAUSE THEY KNOW YOU HAVE NO CHOICE. KTHXBAI.

* Internet does not considered as effortless since you have to do the search, download, wait, watch and delete routine. No, dimwits YouTube is NOT TV.

I don’t wanna bitch and compare this pathetic show to America’s Next Top Model or anything similar just because it wasn’t as comparable, plus this show doesn’t even started yet. It is in audition stage and heavy promotion is in place to create the much needed hype. Instead, I’m going to pickup a few pointers that made this show uniquely Malaysian, even though this is another blatant copy of a well established reality television show out there. These are based on the information available on the official website of which address I’ll include later. Also in no particular order, because I’m too lazy to sort them out.

1. From the FAQ: What do I need to bring for the audition? Please bring your IC for verification and a RM10 registration fee.

Hahaha. Are you kidding me? RM10 registration fee? Wow, this is uniquely Malaysian entertainment, people! I don’t recall any reality television show that told those who come to the audition to bring some money, maybe those low quality home made porno production. Maybe this show is more suitable to be called “Malaysian Cheapskate Girl” right?

2. Sazzy Falak as host

Is there any other human being in Malaysia that can host besides Sazzy Falak? I can’t fucking stand her! She’s like the female equivalent of Jason Lo, obnoxious-wise of course. I don’t know why this petite female hobbit is even associated with the word model. Oh wait, I think I know. In Malaysia we don’t need height whatsoever to be a model, just a watchable okay-ish face and annoying personality like Miss Sazzy and you get to host a “model search” competition, even though you’re like 3 feet or something. Sassy!

3. Hey, it’s Malaysian Next Top Model Dreamgirl

Hmm… Why change the title? According to the pretentious interview on the homepage of which I’ve just wasted 8 minutes of my life, they’re not just looking for a model, but someone who can host, act, sing, dance, cook, make tea, do backflip, breakdance, hack, repair cars, massage, blowjob, etc. In other words everyone’s dreamgirl. Ah, if only life was that simple. I want a dreamgirl on my own too please! Wait a minute, I think we already have our dreamgirls since the host and the judge did confess in the clip they wanted to find someone like them. In other words, bitchy, arrogant, pretentious and syok sendiri (full of themselves). Heh.

4. We finally have a Malaysian voyeur show!

I still don’t understand why they named it Malaysian Dreamgirl though, it should be “Malaysian Next Internet Voyeur Star” or something. While we are forbidden to see our males taking off their shirts on live television, we are definitely allowed to see a bunch of unattractive wannabe females with little to no clothes on eat, sleep, bathe and possibly have sex with each other on screen, twice a week! Sometimes the entertainment policy in this country boggles me. A lot.

5. Pointless prizes and a career as a “Dreamgirl”

Being a Malaysian “Dreamgirl”, you will drive away with a Nissan Latio 1.8Ti, a RM10,000 AmBank NexG prepaid MasterCard, a RM3,000 Wella Professionals hamper, a RM1,000 Escada hamper, an exclusive cover spread in NewMan magazine and an experience of a lifetime. That’s about it. What experience of a lifetime? What is the point of this show again? You get to spread your legs on a lame Malaysian GQ wannabe NewMan magazine and that’s it? Okay, perhaps the winner will get a wider exposure of being an internet star of which have the chance to expand her career onto international websites like BangBus, Amateur on Cam or something. Watchout Babyrina!

6. Vote your favorite bitch by SMS

Hahaha. I’m sorry this is too funny. It can’t be anymore whorish than this! While the hopefuls have to bring RM10 to the audition, this is truly a disgusting way to rake in money in choosing the winner.

7. Lame ass judges

Okay, I kinda get Elaine Daly as a judge even though I consider her full of her own smelly shit and she’s not really that recognizable to the larger Malaysian audience. Just a has-been Malaysian beauty queen title (that was no contest since Malay girls are not allowed to enter), a couple of lousy modeling, hosting jobs and few pathetic roles in some idiotic Malaysian movies that don’t even made it to the cinemas. Next in the lineup is someone called Lim Jimmy (what a name), a hairdresser to the stars (that is if you consider Elaine Daly a star) but I still can swallow you as a judge, even though barely but whatever. The final judge though, is your beloved ‘cool’ internet celebrity Kenny Sia. WHAT THE FUCK. Kenny Sia? That Malaysian obnoxious pervy blogger? OMG I am totally right. This is a MALAYSIAN NEXT INTERNET VOYEUR STAR! I guarantee you that with each episode, we get to see Kenny in a small web cam window pleasing himself while watching these wannabe girls doing their thing. Good job on targeting the Malaysian perverts, you guys!

I totally understand that by writing this I’m indirectly going to promote the show even more but whatever. Once in a while, it’s nice to see some pathetic attempts by people from the ‘cool’ dipshits circle who are full of their themselves trying to squeeze every single penny left from the Malaysian population via text messaging.

Oh and by the way, here is the official website for Malaysia’s Next Internet Voyeur Star Search 2008. Lube up girls!

I personally don’t listen to Malaysian radio that much, or any kind of radio for that matter so my brilliant opinion here might be biased as opposed to those who listen to this fucking station every single day especially during their commute time. Here’s why sHitz.fm hands down wins the shittiest radio station in Malaysia, according to a genius called me.

1. Record breaking song repetition in a day

Compared to other crappy Malaysian English stations, sHitz.fm are notorious for playing the same fucking songs over and over and over and over again. Their market is so freaking saturated that most of their idiotic listeners (apparently most of the goddamn Malaysian English speaking population) think it’s cool to tune in to sHitz.fm as some sort of coolness safe net. You don’t want to be caught with Radio Satu on your car stereo when someone entered your car right? What do you do? Tune in to 92 point fucking 9! People will instantly think, oh he’s so cool because he listens to sHitz.fm! Fuck y’all.

2. Association with Vandal

Who is this guy again? One day I accidentally tuned in to sHitz and this dude was giving a fucking public service announcement about not to vandalize public property to Malaysians. Great. All we need is a failed Canadian rapper who can’t even make it in own country then came to Malaysia and gives us good advice about vandalism, being his name is Vandal. The irony within the irony in that sentence is beyond ridiculous. And apparently, us Malaysians, who think everything coming out from Mat Salehs are cool, treated him like a fucking superstar. No wonder his shitty song Kay-El (oops I puked in my mouth a bit typing that) is a big hit among the locals, because there’s noone better to sing a song about Kuala Lumpur than a Mat Saleh right? I guess we feel more worthy of a human being?

3. Jason Lo

I’m sorry but I just fucking cannot stand this guy at all. The moment he opens his mouth I feel like instantly hanging myself. I think the only funny trick he got in his sleeves is making lame Malaysian accents. Okay, we get it, you’re half caucasian so that means you can make a total mockery of average Malaysians of whom are below you while the rest of us still find it funny as hell! I’m laughing so hard I’m gonna puke blood. Not enough with voicing over shitty PSAs and numerous ads on sHitz.fm, he did have his own talk show called Latte@8 a while ago, which is about half an hour full of nothing but Malaysian accent jokes and boring crowd who think that hanging out with Jason Lo is cool. Genius.

4. Lame ass ‘Gotcha’ calls

Gotcha calls when first introduced in the Morning Crew might be a good idea but after a while, it gets stale fast like your neighborhood Mamak’s curry. They’re just so fucking caught up with their own jokes sometimes, it’s pathetic. I don’t know why people still listen to this crap and best of all, the one who being pranked always kinda guessed who’s on the other line within few seconds. Who else speak good English with accents other than sHitz.fm people because apparently, the rest of us speak like Jason Lo’s ‘funny’ Malaysian accent all the time! That’s so duh right? So I hereby crowned Rudy & JJ of sHitz.fm morning crew, Jason Lo’s wannabe, and that’s a pretty disgusting title to have.

5. Stupid CSAs and Festive Reminders

I am so pissed hearing sHitz.fm pointless PSAs, CSAs and other seasonal bullshit since last year that I totally forgot how shitty they were . If memory served me right, the most ridiculously stupid seasonal reminders aired during Merdeka period. Jason as usual with his lame Malaysian accent jokes. Brilliant right? We all need to hear that from time to time, it’s like we’re nothing without someone make a mockery of the way Malaysians talk. It’s like the French making fun of their own accent! Uniquely Malaysia, I tell you. Unfortunately, I cannot elaborate more here because one, like I mentioned I forgot how pathetic it sounded like and two, I don’t listen to sHitz.fm anymore. Anyone with a transcript will be much appreciated.

There you go, folks. There might be a gazillion more reasons but this pretty much what I can come up with right now. Malaysians will still continue to listen to the shittiest radio station in Malaysia because apparently everyone think it’s kinda cool to do so. And no, listening to Fly FM, doesn’t make you any better because they’re just as shitty, only less stink.

What is funnier though, is one of the comments on its YouTube’s page:

haha kelakar. seperti kentang! lawak gila..

Brilliant. I just died and went to heaven.

When it comes to celebrity sex scandals, I don’t know why Malaysians are so fucking stupid and blind. Not everyone is a saint and Malaysian celebrities (although poorer than most of us), are humans too. They have sexual urges just like you and me. And some of them has a stronger sense of exhibitionism that at times, they really need to document their sexual experience for you know, those rainy horny days.

Let’s start with the latest and greatest of Malaysian celebrity sex rumors. I don’t know who the fuck this Zarina An-Julie chick is but her pictures seems to be everywhere on the tabloids today. Not that I read them but I was turned off by how stupid these small time celebrities think we are.

Here’s an excerpt from this article:

Pelakon berusia 21 tahun yang dikenali dengan panggilan Anju itu mendakwa gambar terbabit dihasilkan melalui teknik pertindihan imej.
“Gambar itu bukan saya…sebenarnya sudah tiga kejadian membabitkan gambar menyerupai saya beraksi lucah. Semuanya menggunakan teknik sama iaitu meletakkan wajah seseorang di badan orang lain dan mengatakan itu adalah saya,” katanya ketika dihubungi Harian Metro, semalam.

What do you think Harian Metro readers are? Five? Wait, that might actually be true considering all the crazy pathetic stories in there.

Do you honestly believe our poor celebrities are so fucking famous until people really take their precious time to carefully ’superimpose’ their cellphone pictures having sex with another man or woman? This thought is more disgusting than actually watching them having sex. Who do they think we are? For those who keep on thinking ‘maybe’ or ’someone tried to sabotage her’ or ‘but she looks so naive on TV’, think again, dimwits. Who is this Zarina An-Julie person? A billionaire’s daughter? An Academy Award winner? No fools, she’s just a desperate horny wild girl who happens to be an exhibitionist when it comes to having sex. Not to mention a clumsy one too.

This totally reminds me of that stupid KRU scandal like years ago, i.e Edry pictures with Lynda of failed girl group Elite, which was true by the way in case you morons still believe those pictures were altered with the wonders of computer graphics technology. No, idiots, our celebrities are NOT that famous til someone willing to spend time adding an ugly dick onto Edry’s ready-for-photoshop pictures.

Get over it, people. Those are real and no one wants to photoshop you lame motherfuckers so dream on! If you’re too ignorant to know what’s going on, read the article and see what I mean by them assuming us idiots.

1. Akon – Lonely

For some reasons, I don’t think ANY of the Akon songs is cool. Not even a bit. Well not really due to the fact that he loves to dry hump underage girls but perhaps listening to someone who looks like an average African student / imported footballer around my neighborhood doesn’t seem all that tempting. And the arrangement was encrusted of way too much rotten cheese, with all that cartoon voices and shit. However, I cannot deny that this is a crowd favorite and in fact the best selling ring tone of all time not only in the US but also in Malaysian pasar malams (night markets for the rest of you). This song, or any other Akon songs for that matter should be dropped like flies by Malaysian radios. I’m fucking sick of them already. It’s kinda like the ‘My Heart Will Go On’ of the new millennium.

2. Teriyaki Boyz – Tokyo Drift (Fast & Furious)

Malaysians love tacky and this song is like the king of tacky. This is one of, if not THE official song for all the Mat Rempits everywhere in Malaysia. If you knew at least 3 of your full blown rempit or perhaps semi rempit friends, chances are one of them has this as a ring tone and the other has an (illegal) MP3 inside his hand phone. Oh please, one more listen to this song anywhere I swear I’m going to vomit blood. It sucks so bad that I have to perform a massive eye rolling and possibly 10 times more annoying than that short lived Crazy Frog (which is A WHOLE FUCKING LOT).

3. LeAnn Rimes – Can’t Fight The Moonlight

Dear radio, hypermarket and supermarket deejays everywhere, why the fuck you want to play this song ever again? Does anyone listen to LeeAnn Rimes anymore? Why this song is still Malaysian Idol / Akademi Fucktasia / One in A Million audition favorites still boggles me to this day. Sure when Coyote Ugly came out this seems like THE song to air on radio but it’s freaking EIGHT YEARS already. Move on, retards! I can’t go anywhere that play songs without hearing this fucking moonlight bullshit. Sure you cannot fight the moonlight because why the hell you want to fight it in the first place? Which proves another point that people who love this songs are simply morons.

4. 50 Cent – In Da Club

In Da Club might have sounded catchy after a listen or two, but when you hear them for 5 fucking years everywhere you go including at least once a day radio play, this songs literally will kill you inside, slowly. Sadly, this is still being overplayed in shitty Malaysian radio stations, especially that good for nothing sHitz.fm.

These are all of the crappiness I can think of right now. If you have more annoying tunes you’d like to share, list it here for more dissing in part 2.