Killer Char Kway Teow Recipe

Posted on October 9, 2008  in Foodness

So I have recently taken a huge interest in cooking. Shut up! I know what you’re thinking. Cooking is for pussies. Well, fuck you. We all have pussies like it or not, so embrace your inner vag or GTFO. Anyways, here is the recipe for the best Kway Teow in the universe. That’s fried flat rice noodles for the rest of you out there. You should try it because it’s the best.

Here are the fucking ingredients for two servings (or one if you’re a fatty):

So now we can fucking start. In a hot, big, juicy wok, heat the sesame oil and vegetable oil so you can see some smoke coming up. Then bring your face closer to the hot oil and sprinkle some water in it. Okay just kidding, kinda.

Then, add onions, garlic and ginger to the hot oil. When the shit in the wok became translucent and you can smell them, add the squid, red chili paste, leeks and french beans. After approximately 30 seconds, add the concentrated chicken stock. Then stir like a pro. When all the ingredients look like they’re having a superfun orgy, add the Kway Teow. Mixed everything together and add the light soy and feet smelling fish sauce.

At this point, some people like to add bean sprouts or taugeh. I don’t because I think bean sprouts taste like crap. I don’t understand why people enjoy them and love to put tons of them in every fucking dish known to man. Anyhoo, after a while, add the spring onions and you’re done.

Nigella Lawson’s succulent titties approved.
Nigella Lawson

Jamie Oliver’s teeth approved.
Jamie Oliver’s Teeth

Even Gordon Ramsay’s kampung road face approved of this recipe!
Gorgon Ramsay’s Face

Enjoy, motherfuckers!

Crappy Comments

7 Responses to “Killer Char Kway Teow Recipe”

  1. Wee-Leng on October 14th, 2008 4:33 pm

    This is one blog which like you said, will either hate or love it. I love it. Much to the fact that I could relate to you utter crap to much extend. But I guess, u’ve gotta have the cup for being one heck of a bitch / bastard, but hey, that’s super cool! Life isnt all about being nice and sweet and whatever shit loads they wanna call it. At least I dont get fucking fake pretense. Keep it up!

  2. Craplicious on October 15th, 2008 1:58 pm

    Oh crap, I haven’t said this in a long time, but thanks. Finally someone reads my effing post, I have a weird that feeling people are turning their fugly backs on me since I am lazy to post and shit.

  3. piumiu on October 27th, 2008 1:33 am

    Why do you called it Killer CKT?
    I don’t see any specialty in it and disagree with the Thai Chilly sauce.

    I’m a cook myself and it seems its just a huge accidental recipe on the work.

    Have real people aside from youself actually ate this?

  4. AryBerry85 on November 6th, 2008 12:08 am

    God, you just love to curse in every single little blog tht you write, do you? I dnt understand why anyone cnt be happy when they cook? You’re freakin’ retarded. Oh yeah, I can hear you calling me a ‘fucktard’ already.

  5. Jazzie on February 20th, 2009 9:01 pm

    Light soya sauce?!? OMG for char kuay teow the key ingredient is DARK soya sauce. even for Penang char kuay teow which is lighter in colour than southern malaysian versions, they would splash in some sweet caramel dark sauce. Where did you get this half-past six recipe?

  6. jjj on February 25th, 2009 1:23 am

    I’m with you freakin hate bean sprouts.

  7. gooey on May 18th, 2009 6:22 pm

    haha
    pls email me
    so i can print it
    and wank off wth it??

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