10 Types of Malaysian Cinema Assholes

While big brands such as Nokia and DiGi spend a lot of money on clever and witty cinema PSAs, I don’t think ANY of the message seep into the minds of Malaysian movie goers. Pure entertainment value, yes but motivating, not really. We all laughed and giggle during the ads, but how many of us really practice good cinema etiquette?

At least around here people are crazier (or more uncivilized perhaps), maybe there are more tolerant audience in the East Coast but I have been to most cinemas around Klang Valley and trust me, you’ll encounter at least 5 of these assholes in a 10 foot radius from your seat. Every single time.

For your convenience, here are a list of annoying Malaysian cinema assholes, as categorized by yours truly, including possible solutions and proper punishments. Why Malaysian you ask? Because I believe there are a few special types that we can only find in our dear country, nowhere else in the world. In other words, uniquely Malaysia! This list is quite a long read but who cares anyway.

1. The Plastic Idiots

Let’s see, they don’t really talk that much but they bring all kinds of plastic bags into the theater. Not only limited to your conventional everyday plastic bags, they also come in a form of other packaging like Twisties. This is especially annoying because everytime they eat, they will make a sound. And if that’s not enough, the kind of disgusting food (like those foul smelling bread) they bring really add a fucking nice aroma to the cinema as well.

• Solution: When watching a movie with this guys, try to imagine that the sweet sound of crumpling plastic bags are actually a part of the movie’s sound effects. You can’t really do anything about this one except walk out as they will continue to make that sound as long as they are eating and in the possession of the fucking plastic bags.
• Punishment: Have the plastic wrapped around their breathing holes and suffocate til KO.

2. The Dragon Breath

I don’t know why these people either haven’t discovered the wonderful invention called TicTacs / Clorets, have a serious case of Gingivitis or just plain lazy to brush their teeth that day. Based on my own crappy statistics machine, the odds of sitting beside a person with a dragon breath are quite high, I would say 63% while the odds of sitting beside a person with a dragon breath AND a talker are about 34%. Still high in my book.

• Solution: Try to show them their breath stink by covering your nose with your fingers all the time or better yet your jacket or whatever type of clothing you have. This will at least keep their mouth shut.
• Punishment: Spank and sent to the dentist

3. The Over Dramatic Bitches

This one is totally annoying. I’ll say bitches because sadly most of these types are female. When something moderately funny happened during the movie that only requires a chuckle max, they will laugh their ass off like it’s the funniest thing in the world for at least a minute and a half. This followed by a comment that can be heard throughout the theater. Likewise, when something scary or surprising happened, they will scream like they’re on a fucking roller coaster or something and of course comments will follow promptly.

• Solution: If you have balls, just give a really loud “Shhh…” so that they know how annoying they are or just turn your head towards them and give your best disgusted face.
• Punishment: Pushed from a tall building, preferably Petronas Twin Towers so they could die a dramatic death.

4. The Handphone Moron

Some people just cannot live with a handphone for 2 fucking hours. Unless someone died or in a deathbed saying his or her last words to you, talking or texting on the phone are like the ABC of cinema etiquette. Unfortunately, no matter how many times they’ve been told not to, these uncivilized morons don’t care what other people think.

• Solution: Sadly, there are no solution to texting morons but for talking bastards, you can refer to solution for over dramatic bitches.
• Punishment: Shot and fed to the dogs

5. The Retard Kicker

While the average height of a Malaysian male is about 5′8″ (again, crappy statistics machine), their legs grew longer when these people entered the cinema. Definitely basic etiquette, but I guess when your girl giving you a BJ in the dark, a guy can get really excited.

• Solution: Avoid seating in front of the couple seat / makeout rows, usually the last 2 lines at the back. If you have no choice, refer to solution no. 3.
• Punishment: Hang for the birds’ picking

6. The Stink Bomber

No, I’m not referring to people who fart during the movies as those cases are quite rare. If you do encounter them, sucks to be you I guess. Stink bomber is someone who constantly irritates people who is around 4 feet radius (depends on how strong the scent) with his or her BO / skid marks / naturally stinky body.

• Solution: There are no concrete solution to this. Even if you use technique for Dragon Breath, there’s nothing a stink bomber can do to help to ease your pain unless he/she carries a deodorant (which is like impossible) or simply walk out of the cinema (smelly people are not the most polite). Just deal with it.
• Punishment: Smelly people with BO should be placed in a remote island somewhere and let them sniff each other.

7. The Dickhead Mastermind

This type is quite rare but it’s actually fun when you’re watching a crappy movie that doesn’t need that much concentration. This person can predict what will happen next because he/she saw the film before or possibly has the super strong psychic power and must share it with everyone in the theater in the loudest voice possible. We do have superheroes in Malaysia after all (well, besides Kluangman and Cicakman of course).

• Solution: Since the annoyance occurs at certain points of the movie, kindly refer to solution no. 3.
• Punishment: Placed in the same island as the stink bombers.

8. The Stupid Parent

Okay as much as I hate children, someday we’ll all have crappy kids but what I don’t get are parents who bring their kids, even babies to a horror / gory movie at night. WTF? You may think this will highly unlikely to happen but again, this list is based on a true story so don’t complain, dimwits. I don’t mind if the children are quite but usually they’re not. If they didn’t cry or running around, they will ask a thousand of movie related questions to their parents. No wonder there’s so many cases of missing child in this country, right? These people can’t even think properly!

• Solution: None on our part. The greedy fuckers should ban children under 6 year old to enter the cinema after 8pm.
• Punishment: Am I allowed to express my hatred for kids? I’ll keep this for myself, just because.

9. The Idiot Muncher

Didn’t your mother teach you to chew food with your mouth closed, assholes? If I were everyone’s mom (OMG fuck the mental image in my head), I would teach all my kids to NEVER EAT in the cinema at all. But considering the annoyance radius to be less than 2 feet, I decided not to elaborate further on this one since this list is fucking long already.

• Solution: No. 3 is the best way to go even though there’s like zero chance of them to stop eating.
• Punishment: Jailed and let them starved to death.

10. The Dimwit Nessy

This type will only assault your visual senses, which I guess the most important part when watching a movie (duh). Considering the average height of Malaysians, it’s nearly impossible for you to block the view of person behind you unless you have a stick in your ass. Can’t these assholes sit properly?

• Solution: Balls play an important part here. Have the guts to tell them they’re blocking your view.
• Punishment: If above solution fails, slice their annoying nessy-like necks preferably with a samurai sword for maximum efficiency.

Oh how I wish I can draw to illustrate these, that would be so much fun right? Maybe some of these assholes evolved from the poor Malaysian cinema environment and how the local greedy tycoons handle their customers, but again you can’t really teach an idiot how to not be an idiot right?

p/s: I will take a break until next year but that doesn’t mean you can leave. You’re doomed to read this blog forever!

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